


Life after God

by DropsOfJupiterOnARavenclaw



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, But its Dean so its normal, Canon-Typical Violence, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester are Jack Kline's Parents, Coming Out, Destiel - Freeform, Everybody Lives, Everybody can see Dean and Cas are in love, Except for Dean and Cas, F/M, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Fluff, First Kiss, Fix-It, Found Family, Homophobic John Winchester, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester can shut it, M/M, Okay a lot of, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parental Bobby Singer, Resurrection, Some Humor, Some angst, Supportive!Sam, They all deserved better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:16:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28671375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DropsOfJupiterOnARavenclaw/pseuds/DropsOfJupiterOnARavenclaw
Summary: -Set immediately after Jack defeated Chuck, not canon compliant from then on-Life on earth is slowly returning to normal which naturally means that Dean has to seek out new dangers or he wouldn't be a Winchester.He is dead set on getting Castiel back and setting things right between them once and for all when his efforts get derailed by long-gone family members coming back from the dead. Including his father, whose irritating presence and old school view on hunting cause more problems than expected.It doesn't help that Jack turned comatose after ominously promising they'd need the help of the resurrected soon enough.(In which an unconscious kid-god gets his parents together and causes the biggest family dinner in Winchester history with family, friends, and frenemies. Some old wounds may finally get to heal now that Chuck no longer controls their every thought)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

"Why does this feel like a goodbye?"  
"Because it is." 

Three days had passed since they defeated God and Dean still couldn't believe it. Refused to believe it. After all they had been through together this was supposed to be it? Everything they had done to free themselves from Chuck, only to be stuck with an ending that might as well have been written by him. 

For Sam's sake, he pretended to be doing good, like every step in the bunker wasn't a constant reminder of what was missing. Who was missing. As quiet of a person as Cas was, his absence constantly screamed at Dean out of every corner he wasn't looming in, out of every soft shuffle that turned out not to be him appearing out of nowhere. 

Jack had promised to try, Dean reminded himself. Until then, there was nothing he could do other than submerge himself in book after book, hoping for the slightest of clues as he was doing now. He sighed, there was a reason this was usually Sams part. The words swam before his eyes, his thoughts drifted off, frustration took over and he hardly could read two pages at a time. This was torture 

Once they got back to the bunker they had practically crashed with exhaustion. After sleeping through the better part of two days and frantically checking if anybody else had come back yet to no avail he had begun his research. An hour in Sam had decided to join him, if only for the distraction. 

In the armchair next to him, Sam looked up from whatever ancient scripture he had busied himself with and gave Dean a calculating look. "You should take a break," he said matter of factly. Dean scoffed. There were no breaks for him, not until Cas was back with them where he belonged. 

"Dean, seriously," Sam tried again, "we've been searching for hours. I want to get him back too but this," he gestured at the endless amount of papers in front of them, "won't do him any good if we're too tired to actually notice anything helpful." 

He sounded annoyed and Dean couldn't blame him, yet he knew he wouldn't stop until they had Cas back. Or until he passed out from exhaustion, whatever happened first. 

After they defeated God everything came together almost too quickly to comprehend. Life on earth returned to normal, everywhere except in the bunker as per usual. Jack was doing good as the new god. No, actually, he was doing great. The only problem left was that apparently the empty was out of Jack's reach, he hadn't been able to absorb any of its power so it remained untouchable. And Cas remained locked away, for eternity if they didn't do something sooner rather than later while the empty was still recovering from the jack-the-bomb incident. 

That night when they got back to the bunker, tired and full of relief, Eileen had been waiting for them. She practically threw herself at Sam and that was the last Dean had seen of the two for the night. Sam deserved it, he figured. 

Still, he couldn't help but wish Castiel were there too. Absurdly enough, he didn't even know what he would have said or done had Castiel been there. He just knew that he hated how their last meeting went down. Hated how he hadn't reacted in time. Hated how alone he felt without him. Hated how he had wasted 10 years of his life suppressing everything he felt. 

Entertaining the idea that it could have been different filled him with dread. Even as he was aware of the happiness he had denied himself, he couldn't shake the feeling that it was better for Cas not to have known. Because love be damned, they couldn't be together like that. It wasn't right. He wasn't right. Castiel deserved better, how he could want Dean even for a second was beyond him. 

Sam was still talking to him but Dean was content to ignore him as he had done for most of the time they spent researching. Roughly every hour Sam would attempt to start a conversation. Probe at him to talk about how he was feeling in thinly veiled questions. 

Dean never really answered with more than a word at a time and Sam was losing his patience. So was Dean. Sam wanted to celebrate their freedom, fine, but he had to leave Dean out of it for now. Their victory didn't even feel real to him, it hardly felt like victory at all without Cas back. The only sliver of hope he had was that Chuck was no longer controlling his fate, which maybe improved their chances a little. 

"Dean, are you even listening to me?" Sam snapped, sounding dangerously close to exploding as he realized that his older brother had once again zoned out for the entire lecture. Pushing the swirling emotions in his gut aside he refocused on Sam, anger now boiling up in him. 

"I freaking know Sam, you don't need to tell me any of that," he shot back, entirely unaware of what he had just pretended to know about. 

Shaking his head in exasperation Sam went on, "then why do you insist on this? Jack will find something way before we do, there really is no reason-" 

Before he even knew what he was doing Dean was out of his seat and glowering down on his little brother with hardly controlled fury. "I will not stop looking," he said with a little too much force to his words. 

Logically thinking Sam was right, but Dean didn't have the patience for logic right now. If he stopped working, he had to start thinking. Thinking about Cas and all the things he never got to tell him and he just couldn't bear it. His choice was between mind-numbing work and confronting his feelings which wasn't much of a choice at all. 

Looking up at him with wide eyes from where he was seated behind a mount of books, Sam waited for an explanation, his own irritation having seemingly subsided at his brother's outburst. Dean fought with himself over what to say until finally exhaustion won out and the anger in him was replaced with the same bone-deep sadness and sorrow he had been wearing like a blanket for the past few days. 

"What would you do if Eileen hadn't come back?" His voice sounded hoarse even to his own ears and he tore his gaze away from Sam, unable to hold eye contact. Sam quietly got up and walked over to face him, forcing him to look up again. 

"That's hardly the same," Sam said carefully as if he were still deliberating the meaning behind Dean's words. His gaze searching his face for anything that Dean wasn't willing to say out loud. He could practically hear the gears turning in his brother's head, the seconds ticking away until he understood. He had to fight the panic in him, this was Sam, not John. Sam won't care, he told himself. 

"Dean, what happened between you two? Why won't you tell me? We both know he wouldn't want you to suffer after he sacrificed himself for you," Sam reasoned and gripped Dean's shoulder as if he were trying to shake him awake. 

And there was something in the way Sam genuinely cared that broke Dean's resolve, after all those years, he couldn't do it anymore. Before he knew it he was gasping for air like a drowning man, fighting down the emotion. 

"He said he loved me, Sam, right before the empty took him. He said he loved me and I never said it back. If I never see him again, he'll never know-, he'll always think-," Dean knew he was rambling and hardly making any sense but it was Sams own fault for pushing him over the edge. "It's exactly as if you had lost Eileen only that I never even got to tell him-," he trailed off, still unable to say it. He knew tears were streaking his face but he was too tired to be embarrassed and only half-heartedly wiped them away. 

Sam was frozen in place, trying to catch up with the information that had just been dumped on him. His jaw tensed for a second in a strange misplaced second of anger, then he pulled Dean into a hug. "I'm so sorry. We'll find him, okay, I promise Dean. I'll do anything," he swore and Dean understood that if anything his brother was mad that he hadn't understood sooner, that they still couldn't both be happy, but not at Dean. 

For just a second he felt better even as he was already pushing Sam away. Chick flick moments never had helped anyone. Now Sam was wiping at his eyes too and that certainly didn't make things easier on Dean. What a mess they were. 

"Really I shouldn't even be surprised," mumbled Sam.

_____________________________ 

They drove home in silence. Jack and Chuck had vanished in a flare of light and left them in the middle of nowhere. Their physical injuries were gone but the exhaustion and raw nerves remained. They couldn't be sure of their victory just yet. Mile after mile of scenery passed them and the silence stretched on, turned into fear of failure. Until finally, people started to reappear. 

The first person they passed up close and didn't just see in the distance caused Dean to punch Babys' steering wheel so hard that a long honk erupted out of the car's horn and the poor guy almost fell off his bike. Sam laughed heartily and they allowed themselves to feel free for a second. Granted, the people were fewer than they had expected but they had no way of knowing how long it would take Jack to bring them all back. What mattered was that they'd done it. Who cares if it would take a few days for things to go back to normal. 

The closer they got to the bunker, the more the exhaustion began to win out. With it came the dread of everything they had lost but hadn't had the time to mourn. Dean didn't think he ever felt that many different emotions during a single ride and that surely meant a lot considering he had spent half his life in that car. 

The further they drove, the fewer people crossed their way. Dean figured Jacks' power was the strongest where he had last been and would spread from there but that did little to lighten the mood. Unable to shake the feeling that something was off, all they could do was wait. Sam anxiously checked his phone every few seconds. Every minute or so he'd find something else to text Eileen but he never received an answer. 

With every other impatient and worried sigh out of Sam's direction, Dean had to repress the urge to knock the phone out of his brother's hands. Instead, he settled for shooting him one disgruntled glare after the next and reminding him occasionally that she would surely call the second she was back. 

By the time the bunker came into view, the sun had set and they were going back and forth reassuring each other that they had done it. Chuck was gone. Everyone would be back. It was only a matter of time. A wary sense of peace had begun to settle over them, they weren't yet ready to fully believe it but the worst of the tension had left them. 

The first brief glimpse of true victory they got came in the form of Eileen who was waiting for them in the kitchen. Dean only greeted her briefly before allowing her and Sam some space for their teary-eyed rom-com worthy reunion. Any other time he'd have cracked a joke about it but right then he was just glad to see Sam finally happy. 

To his surprise, Dean found that they were in good enough spirits to each grab a beer and relax for a few minutes before they departed for some well-deserved rest. He marveled at the fact that the two of them had come out of this alive and yet it wasn't enough. 'Cas,' he began to pray, 'if you can hear me...,' 

The following morning, nothing woke them. They slept through the entire day and half of the night after that. In the early morning hours of the second day after, they met in the kitchen. Sam informed him that Eileen had left to check on some people and would be back in the evening. 

Preparing breakfast in silence both of them wondered about how nobody had called them still. It was eerily quiet in the bunker but each conversation one of them started sooner or later turned to the number of people they were missing. So they opted for not talking at all.  
________________________________ 

It was late in the afternoon when after hours of research and one heartfelt and uncomfortably honest conversation, Sam had finally managed to convince him that he needed a break. They hadn't talked much after his confession, Sam just let him be and dove into the work ahead of them which Dean appreciated. 

He was on his second plate of leftover bacon from breakfast, Sam sitting across from him with a sandwich of some sort, when the door to the kitchen crashed open. In tumbled Jack, looking far from well. Sam and Dean were up in an instant and rushed to either side to support him. Sam tried to get his attention but Jack, breathing heavily and drifting in and out of consciousness, wouldn't react. There was no color on the boy's face, he was shaking and his eyes darted around as if he didn't see them at all. 

In silent agreement, they dragged him into the living room and deposited him on the couch. Holding the boy steady by his shoulders, Dean tried to discern what was wrong but there was no physical harm to make out. Still, Jack's head lulled to the side, his eyelids fluttering shut. Panic came over him. He knew some part of their plan had worked, he saw that some people were back, so what was this supposed to mean? 

"They're all back" Jack gasped, his eyes opening wide in panic. Sitting straight up as if he had been electrocuted, Jack blindly grabbed for Dean, fingers digging into his shoulder with iron strength. 

"I had to match our powers to what he released," Jack ground out but he was beginning to waver even as he spoke, his strength seemed to be leaving him again. "Dean please don't be mad," he pleaded, deep concern was written all over his features even though his voice was so soft they barely could make out what he said. "It was the only way." With that, he promptly collapsed again. 

Catching him with ease Dean hurriedly pushed him back onto the couch.  
"Who released what? Jack? Come on!" But it was no use. "Why would I be mad? Jack, what did you do?" He whispered. 

"What the hell?" Mumbled Sam while Dean fruitlessly attempted to wake Jack up again. It was no use, his breathing had steadied but there was no reaction to be pried from him. 

"What on earth did all of that mean?" Dean complained while Sam just shook his head as old exhaustion and familiar panic came over both of them.  
"If you ask me," replied Sam, "it means that our work isn't done yet. Clearly Jack needs our help," he decided with a shrug and a helpless glance in the sleeping boy's direction. 

"I just wish he would have told us what exactly he needs us to do," Dean grumbled but the worry in his eyes was barely concealed. "He was supposed to be God and right now he's not looking very godly if you ask me. Something must have gone wrong. Again." Dean tore his gaze away with a slight shake of his head. This couldn't be happening. 

If Chuck found one last way to get one over on them they were screwed. Left with no plan, back to square one, but with no resources and no support left. Dean feared they might have reached their breaking point. Worst of all, Cas's sacrifice would have been for nothing. Old anger began to flare up in him, combating his hopelessness. 

"He said 'they're all back,' that's what we wanted, right? Maybe he was just telling us he succeeded?" Sam said hopefully but Dean didn't buy it. 

"If all is well, then whose power do we have to match?" He deadpanned. "Should have known something was going to go wrong," he stated coldly. 

Before he or Sam could further ponder the state of their doom, a shrill ringing disturbed the heavy silence. Turning to share a look with Sam he saw his own confusion mirrored on his brother's face, they both darted to Dean's room, following the sound of the old cell. 

One step ahead of Sam, Dean flung the door open and let it crash against the wall behind him. He tore open the drawer with his collection of abandoned phones. Nobody alive had the number to any of these as far as he knew but that didn't mean anything in his life he supposed. He picked it up. "Hello?" 

"Dean?"  
He recognized the old, slightly annoyed voice in an instant. But that was impossible. He swallowed his surprise, "Bobby?" He answered, well aware of the shock in his own voice. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sam's eyes go wide. 

People were supposed to be coming back and he was obviously happier than ever to hear Bobby. The only problem was that the coming back part wasn't supposed to apply to people who had died before Chuck pulled his ultimate move. Yet he was talking to Bobby. Who was supposed to have been in heaven for several years now. Dean took a deep breath, suspecting that it was going to be a long day. 

"Yeah, it's me. I'd ask how the hell you're alive but I suppose we might know more about that than you do. Though I gotta warn you we don't know much either," he rushed out, "Are you okay? Where are you?" 

After quickly informing them that he seemed to be fine and confirming that he had no clue how he was alive again, Bobby agreed to meet them at the Bunker as soon as he could get there. Offering to come to pick him up only earned Dean a string of insults that got the first real smile out of him since their victory, though it faltered quickly as he remembered the still unconscious kid in the living room. 

He hung up but before he could even turn to Sam, his regular phone began ringing, Sam's phone followed a second later. 

This time Charlie's startled voice sounded through to him and he caught Jody's name in Sam's conversation. The next half an hour went on like that with sporadic calls from people who had been dead just a day prior. They soon got used to the weirdness of it all and cheerfully directed one person after the next to the bunker. For a while, it was easy to pretend like everything would be alright.  
_____________________________________________________  
Late in the evening, a firm knock on the front gate distracted them from their preparations for the inevitable giant hunter-gathering. But it wasn't Bobby on the other side like they had expected, or at least not Bobby alone. At an arms-length, he pushed a supremely out of it looking young prophet before him. 

"I know you'll have to monster check me first but I found the kid creeping around your front door," he nodded towards Kevin who rolled his eyes. "Swears he knows you two. Since when do you have this place anyway?" Bobby said in lieu of a greeting. 

It was then that it occurred to Dean how confusing the following days were bound to be. It would be hard enough to remember what Bobby knew and what they had only talked about with his Apocalypse-world twin. 

Sam took the liberty of splashing them both with holy water. Then himself and Dean. They went through the whole ordeal with all the book asked for before finally allowing them further into the hallway. 

"You can let go of him Bobby, he's one of the good guys. Best prophet you'll ever know," Dean joked. 

"Man it's good to see you. Both of you actually," Sam said while pushing past his brother to hug Bobby. 

"You can't even leave a guy in peace when he's in heaven, can ya?" He grumbled even as he patted Sam on the back with a fond smile. "It's good to see you, boys. How have you been?" He continued as Sam stepped aside, and promptly hugged Dean next. 

Kevin stood awkwardly in the doorway behind them, "um, hi?" 

With a genuine smile, Sam echoed the greeting and after a second hesitation also hugged Kevin much to the latters' surprise. He heard Dean chuckle, "easy there. The guy is probably still traumatized from hell, no need to traumatize him even more Sammy." 

Letting go of Kevin he awkwardly cleared his throat, "right. Beer?" And just like that, the moment passed. Their strange group moved to the kitchen and settled around the table. 

"What is this place?" Bobby asked again. They quickly went over the basics of their situation, promising to further explain later on, they moved to quick introductions which lead Bobby to apologize for dragging Kevin along the way he had. Technically he only said "better safe than sorry," with a nod toward Kevin but for Bobby that counted as an apology. 

As it turned out, Bobby didn't have much memory of Heaven other than having been there and that it didn't suck. While Kevin also didn't remember Hell much, he was still certain that it had sucked in his case. "Be glad that you don't remember it," Sam and Dean told him as one. 

"Before we continue this merry little storytime, you two knuckleheads need to swear to me that you didn't intentionally raise anybody from the grave. Again." He pointed one finger at Dean, his tone much sharper than before, "Me included, this wasn't you, right?" He didn't have to threaten them outright for them to get the idea. 

"Nope, not us. Not in that sense anyway," promised Dean. Sam nodded. 

"What do you mean, 'not in that sense,'" cursed Bobby. 

Taking a deep breath, Sam took over, "well technically it wasn't us. It was Jack. And just this once there might not be any repercussions for bringing people back from the dead. The downside is we don't know how many people will be back or when to expect them." 

Dean interrupted, "we think you are back for a reason. We can't be sure what we'll be dealing with but Chuck was pissed so we should expect something big. Jack resurrected you so we have a chance against whatever Chuck let loose before be died," he explained with a frown. "At least that's our theory. Kid passed out before he could explain properly." 

"Hold up," said Bobby, "Chuck?" 

"God." Sam corrected unhappily. Explanations derailed several times after that. When they were finally all on the same page, everyone at the table was suffering from a headache to some degree and Bobby hadn't stopped cursing for a solid fifteen minutes.

"So in summary, we are expecting a whole lot of dead people and a child god is sleeping on your sofa next door," Bobby concluded, "why ever I thought living again would be a good thing." Kevin next to him nodded solemnly. 

Kevin sighed, "Any clue what we are facing here?" But Bobby stopped him. 

"Can we circle back to the bit where these two idiots lost their minds once and for all and decided to fight God?" His voice grew louder with every word. Sam and Dean stuttered their explanations hastily like two children being chastised by their father rather than two grown men who repeatedly stopped the world from ending. 

Quietly taking another sip of his beer Kevin mustered them, eventually, he shrugged, "in their defense, Gods a dick." 

"Balls," Bobby said with deep conviction and downed the rest of his drink. "If it's going to be one of those days I need something stronger than that," he added with a glance at the empty bottle in front of him. 

After a few minutes of wistful silence, Bobby fixed Dean with a questioning stare that didn't quite betray his intention, "The whole deal with God being the final evil must have really knocked Cas out of the game. Where is he anyway?" 

The casual question might as well have been a punch in the face for Dean. It was still too painful to think about. Having intentionally glossed over how they lost Cas he cursed himself for thinking he'd get away with it and for wanting to get away with it alike. Cas deserved better. 

"He's not with us anymore," Dean forced out, through hundreds of layers of pain and denial and grief he refused to acknowledge. Bobby patted him on the shoulder helplessly as Dean grasped his beer bottle like a lifeline. 

Leaning forward in his seat, Kevin said, "so he is-?" 

"Dead," Sam finished for him but didn't meet anybody's eyes. The remorse in his brother's voice and the shock in Kevin's face woke Dean out of his misery, reminding him he wasn't the only one who was suffering. 

Bobby was the first to break the silence, "stop the long faces boys. You all know damn well he wouldn't want that." He shook Dean's shoulder a little and put on a firm face even though he clearly felt sorry for them too. "Besides, if everyone is suddenly coming alive again, it's just a matter of time, right?" 

When they all just looked at him he shrugged and continued, "Heaven knows the Winchesters have a hard time staying dead and he's basically one of you." 

The sorrow on their faces only wavered and when Dean figured nobody else was going to say anything he cleared his throat trying to regain control over his emotions. "It's different with him. He's not in Heaven or Hell or even Purgatory. He's in the Empty. The Empty hates him and it hates us and Jack. I don't know if there is any coming back from that," he finished quietly. 

Despite the painful memory and how unlikely it seemed, Bobby's words did wake the tiniest flicker of hope in him. It was probably foolish to allow himself even that much but he couldn't help it. Ever since they lost Cas every part of him was in pain caused by regret and unbearable longing. He wanted to hope so bad even if it would only crush him again later. 

"We can't be sure," he added despite better judgment. "Jack basically thinks of Cas as his father. If there was any way at all, the kid will have tried. Maybe he'll be back." Even to his own ears, he didn't sound convinced and the uncertain faces he was met with just confirmed that. 

Sam sighed, "yeah, we just have to hope for the best." 

That made Dean even uneasier than he already had been. Ever since they defeated Chuck a plan had been beginning to form in the back of his mind but he hadn't allowed himself to fully formulate or voice it. Thinking about it alone made him feel guilty. But now, should it truly be up to luck, he'd go for it. 

No way around it, he figured, the others would find out sooner or later anyway and he was way too exhausted for lies or secret scheming. "I'll get him back," he swallowed heavily, his tone leaving no room for debate. The others snapped to attention and stared at him, safe for Sam who was already on his side. "I don't care what it takes. It's not a victory until I have him back and I'm done accepting losses. Not this time. Not him." 

"Dean-" Bobby immediately tried to argue, while Kevin seemed to have already accepted that this was happening. Smart kid. 

"Look, I'll wait till we are sure no more people are reappearing and if he is not back by then, I'll do something about it. Till then, I plan. You guys can either help me or stay the hell out of my way," he announced coldly. 

"Here we go again," grumbled Bobby. "I'm not bailing your ass out of Hell when you inevitably butch it up son. I like the guy too but there is a line. Do you even remember when you still believed that what is dead should stay dead?" 

"We are well past that," Dean half-shouted. "That idea went out the window, I don't remember, when was that? When I came back for the third time? When we found out God is a dick and nothing really matters? When our mom came back after being dead for 30 years? How does any of it matter? Why should all of that be okay but I still lose Cas?" By the time he finished, he was as breathless as he was hopeless. " 

Bobby turned toward Sam, "would you mind trying to talk some sense into him since he won't listen to anybody else? I can't be the only one who sees how crazy this is!" 

Looking torn, Sam shook his head. "I don't know Bobby," he said carefully and raised his hands in surrender. "Hear me out, I'm not saying we should jump headfirst toward any shady deal we find but it's Cas. We have to do something," he said helplessly. "Deans right, he should be here and we are way past caring about the dangers of resurrection. Done it too often for that," he reasoned. 

Bobby looked stricken, he had clearly expected the brothers to fight it out among themselves but there was too much he didn't know to come to the right conclusion. Dean just thought that it was good that he and Sam were a team again and suddenly found himself grateful for their mortifying conversation from earlier, otherwise he'd be lost now. 

It was beginning to dawn on him that Chuck had messed with their thoughts and feelings far more than he had realized. Every time he had lied to Sam now came back to him and he could no longer understand any of his own reasons. Something similar must have been going through Sam's head because he threw him a small apologetic smile and understanding passed between them. Dean could breathe easier, knowing that finally, the trust between them was real. 

"I'm just trying to understand this," continued Bobby unfazed. "I know he was a good guy and your friend and from what I gather you'd have lost without him. He deserves to be brought back, no doubt," but- 

His voice echoed unpleasantly in Dean's mind. His brother only knew half of how true it was that they'd have lost without Cas, how he alone had been the one thing that drove Chuck's plan awry and made them become self-aware. 

It almost brought a smile to his lips when he now thought about how Chuck had been forced to bring Cas back to keep control over Dean. Really that was when Chuck had lost, when Cas had become more important than him to his story. Now he met his brother's eyes, looking for just a hint of understanding. 

Bobby stared right back with that look he always got when he was in deep concentration. "But the thing is, these types of deals always go wrong Dean. Always. You know that," he said earnestly. Dean sighed. 

"From what you told me it was clear that he died so you would live. So if you now go and risk your life to bring him back and it goes wrong, do you think he'd want that?" 

There it was. How on earth was he supposed to answer that? A pained noise escaped his mouth. "I just have to try," he insisted. 

"That's not a reason," Bobby argued. 

His patience was wearing thin as it mangled with the panic that was beginning to overtake his mind yet again. That was precisely why he tried not to think about Cas' absence, because it killed him when he did. But there was no reasonable way to explain that. 

Glancing at Sam he found that unwavering loyalty that he had so unfairly hoped for and to his relief Sam understood. 

His brother took a deep breath, "look, Bobby, we know you just want us to do what's right. The thing is, there are things we simply cannot accept, and when we are faced with something like that we change it. It's what we've always done. It's why we are still alive. I'm with Dean on this because I know if it was Eileen who was still gone he'd help me too. After everything, I think we are entitled to a real victory, and this isn't one until Cas is back too."

Silently cursing Sam's fat mouth he waited for an answer from the others, backing out now wouldn't save him either. Really it was his own fault for drawing that comparison earlier. Which was exactly why he never ever talked about feelings dammit. His brother just continued to fix Bobby with his best set of puppy eyes. 

Kevin had wisely distanced himself from the conversation a while ago. He fidgetted with his empty bottle and tried his best to make himself invisible to prevent any more awkwardness. 

Merely raising an eyebrow at them, Bobby crossed his arms over his chest and waited for further explanations. He had always been immune to Sam's puppy dog eyes which was so not fair. Anybody else would have given up by now.

Allowing the silence to stretch on, Dean didn't know what he was hoping for. Maybe he was hoping Bobby would guess what was going on. But then he'd know and it would start another round of even worse conversations. 

Maybe Bobby would drop it and accept that as usual, his Dean wasn't making any sense. Then he'd still feel like a liar but he also wouldn't have to confront the truth. Wouldn't have to confront whether the guy he practically thought of as a father would think differently of him or not. 

In the end, what did it matter? He'd hope for whatever would get him their help and if he didn't get their help he'd go on alone. There was no other way. 

Steeling himself for a reaction he tried to look anywhere but at Bobby. "I'm doing it anyway. Whether you help me or not," he mumbled. 

That finally broke his resolve. "Fine," he sighed, "Have it your way then. You've come too far for you to kill yourself now, so if it comes to that I will stop you. But until then trying doesn't hurt I guess." He uncrossed his arms in exasperation. "Reckless idiot," he added under his breath. 

A smirk broke through Dean's tired features. "Thank you," he said and hoped Bobby knew how genuine he meant it. He was none the wiser about what conclusions Bobby must have come to and not knowing was absolutely fine with him. At the moment he was simply too tired to care. 

Missing Cas had by now turned into a physical ache. He was vaguely aware of the comfort that having his family in the house provided and for once allowed himself to be okay with it. Even if Jack was still knocked out. Maybe Cas would just come home like the others. Maybe. 

Bobby took a deep breath after the silence began to stretch on again, "okay, I'll bite. Who is Eileen?" 

That did get a genuine if startled laugh from Dean while Sam buried his face in his hands for a second having forgotten about his own throw-away comment from earlier. He quickly got over it though and turned to tell Bobby all about how wonderful Eileen was. So wonderful in fact that Dean soon had enough of it but it was good to see his little brother happy for once.


	2. Chapter 2

After a while, he intervened, "are you not going to try and stop me?" Because if this was going to come up again he'd prefer now over later. 

With a bitter chuckle, Bobby answered, "well if you haven't learned your lesson by now, which apparently you haven't, then I don't think there is anything I can do to stop you. You know the risks better than anybody, it's up to your judgment," he explained carefully. 

Bobby didn't seem at all satisfied with his own reaction and yet that answer meant a whole lot to Dean. "Just try not to get yourself killed son," he added bitterly. Dean nodded. 

Kevin broke whatever weird almost- father- son- moment they had going on with a quiet huff. "I haven't met Eileen yet but if she means as much to Sam as Castiel does to Dean, she must be one hell of a girl," he concluded with a slight tilt to his head. 

"That's the way around you are choosing to draw that comparison? Really?" Complained Sam. "After what he just said?" He gestured at Dean in that exasperated way all younger siblings know. 

Laughing heartily Bobby clapped Sam on the shoulder, "you know Kevin has a point. Your brother and Cas were always their own category." He continued to laugh with a slight knowing twinkle in his eyes that Dean chose to ignore. 

Trying to shake the embarrassment he tried to come up with something else to say but when he heard Sam snicker he suddenly couldn't find it in himself to be annoyed. Whatever, as long as no one was going to stop him he could deal with the jokes. He hardly could argue their point after just having declared that he was going to bring Cas back from the dead no matter the cost. Which was what all of this panned down to in the end, he realized. 

Shortly after they showed Bobby the rest of the bunker, Kevin situated himself in his old room to catch up on some sleep and Sam went on a grocery run to prepare for the incoming flood of hunters as he rightfully suspected that they'd need a lot over the following days. Which also meant that Bobby got a chance to talk to Dean alone. 

"You know, when I was alive the first time around, I never found the right time to tell you that your father could be a real ass sometimes," he began the conversation. 

"That was blunt," answered Dean, willfully oblivious to where this was going. 

Bobby sighed, "I'm trying to tell you that just because he wouldn't approve of something that doesn't mean it's wrong. He had a tendency to see the world in black and white, dangerously so. But you are not him and thank god for that." He grimaced, "or thank the universe. Or whoever isn't against you yet." He shook his head thoughtfully,  
"You're not a soldier and I mean that as a compliment, alright?" 

Dean flinched away from the topic, getting more uncomfortable by the second. "Since when do we talk about stuff like this?" He complained. 

"Since you turned into an idiot who apparently needs to hear this every now and again," Bobby shot right back, obviously just as uncomfortable. "I'm just trying to make sure that you don't break yourself trying to fit a dead man's image. I know Cas meant a lot to you and maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk about it," he urged. 

"What does Cas have to do with any of this? I'm fine," he declared as if they didn't both know that that was a blatant lie. 

"Sure you are," came the prompt if sarcastic reply. "If you ever get over yourself you know where to find me. Or Sam." Bobby offered him a way out of the conversation and Dean took it. 

Knowing Bobby was right didn't make it any easier to talk about. Still, the silent support was highly appreciated even if it felt weird that Bobby should have guessed something so personal. Ignoring the whole ordeal as he always did seemed to be his best solution for the time being. 

Almost one week passed at the bunker in which old friends reached out to them at all odd hours of the day. They had long since moved Jack to his old room but he appeared to be in some sort of magical coma that nothing could rouse. 

The next person to actually show up however was their Mom. Seeing her was even more of a shock than seeing Bobby had been and they welcomed her accordingly. 

It was in the evening on the day of her arrival that Dean found himself in the library with his mother and Sam as if no time had passed since she last died. He was enjoying the feeling immensely until she, unfortunately, had to ask what he and Sam were researching. He sighed and once again forced himself to explain what had happened to Cas. 

To his shock, she reacted much differently than Bobby or even Sam had. Mary seemed so upset in fact that Dean feared she would start to cry which really didn't help him keep his emotions in check. 

"Oh I'm so sorry Dean," she whispered and pulled him into her arms. "I know you and I hardly had the chance to form a normal mother- son relationship but if you need me I'll be there for you," she promised and went on to smother him with motherly affection. 

"I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. You two should have had more time together," her voice was wearing thin and Deans' thoughts swam together. He agreed with her internally but he also couldn't shake the feeling that something was off about her word choice. 

"I know you never officially told me about your relationship. I know you probably didn't have it easy since hunters tend to be a little old fashioned but I love you Dean and I was happy to accept him in this family on your behalf and I'm sorry that I didn't say something sooner but I didn't want to pressure you. I could tell how much you two loved each other right away." She kept on talking but after that Dean could only hear the blood rushing in his ears. He froze. 

"I'm sorry what?" Winding himself out of his mother's grasp his emotions quickly subsided under a well-worn blanket of denial. Hiding was the only reaction to this that he knew, so that's what he did. 

He was vaguely aware of Sam who had choked on nothing at Marys' words and was now violently coughing. Dean's face burned with shame. As if this wasn't bad enough already, of course, Sam had to hear it too. 

"I'll say this only once," he forced out. Mary's startled expression didn't deter him. "There was nothing between me and Castiel. He was my best friend. Nothing more," he swore intently as if he could convince himself. 

The truth was it was getting harder to carry on with each passing day but he wasn't about to admit that. He had long since come to the conclusion that Cas loved him as a friend and nothing more. So he'd be a good friend and get him back so things could go back to normal. He wouldn't bother Cas with his feelings, he couldn't do that to either of them. "We'll bring him back," he promised haughtily and promptly stalked out of the room. 

As if it wasn't bad enough that Bobby knew something, his Mom had guessed it too and she had barely been around Cas. How obvious had he been acting? Dean felt completely dumbfounded, he had been so sure that nobody would ever know. But as it turned out the only person who didn't know was the one who deserved to know the most. His throat was closing up on him again. 

A small voice in his head began to question whether it would be so wrong for them to know. But as somebody who dealt with demonic possession on the regular, Dean wasn't a fan of voices in his head. 

The truth was if he told them, nothing would stop him from mourning openly. Even worse, they'd ask questions and force him to deal with it and there were no words in the world that described how much he couldn't do that. He'd rather hold onto the pain because the bigger part of himself was convinced he deserved it. 

The instant he was gone Mary turned to Sam for an explanation who shut the book he was reading with a loud thump in order to face her. "Mom, it's complicated," he said and pushed his hair back, internally cringing at his word choice. 

Obviously, he had had his suspicions, way before Dean had told him anything, at least about Dean's side of the situation. He had given up hope for them a while ago knowing that Dean would jump out of a driving car before he would tell him anything. As fragile as he was now with Cas gone, knowing he'd been right didn't do him any good because Dean was suffering and still refused to talk. 

He had seen his brother grief for Castiel before, in a way this time was worse. But all he could do was wait and hope to be there when Dean inevitably broke down. He never quite understood their relationship but he didn't have to understand it to love his brother and miss his friend. Here he was, trying to pick up the pieces yet again, despite knowing it wasn't enough. 

"I can see that it's complicated'," mimicked Mary. "But why? It's so obvious!" She added. 

Sam just shrugged. "If you ask me it's because Dean never got over the homophobic shit Dad used to spout." He knew he was being blunt but it wasn't his place to say anything he wouldn't have known to sat last week. "Even if Dean isn't aware of it anymore it's still so ingrained in him to be our father's soldier. That and, well, Cas isn't exactly direct when it comes to emotions either?" He shrugged. 

"I don't know Mom, sorry. I probably shouldn't even say as much, really only Dean and Cas can know. But it's true that up until now they never were anything but friends." 

His effort to make her rethink what she had seen went without success. He couldn't blame her, the two really had been acting painfully obvious. 

Mary frowned at him, "So Dean never talked? Not even to you?" Sam shook his head and she looked utterly defeated. "I was dead sure they were already together, how could I misread the situation that badly?" She asked, sounding miserable. "I probably sent him in a full-on panic." 

"I wouldn't worry," Sam said lamely, "as long as there is hope he'll hold out." He knew he didn't sound convinced but there was nothing else he could offer her. 

"I can't believe John raised you like that," she added with disgust. "You boys deserved better. That doesn't sound like the man I married at all." Sam tried his best to comfort her a little in what was probably a unique type of emotional pain caused by being resurrected twice. 

He quickly changed the topic and silently vowed to confront his brother once again. Not that it had done much good in the past other than getting him punched but he had to keep trying, for Dean's sake. 

The upside was that she had forgiven Jack almost instantly after hearing how Lucifer had influenced him and how he had saved the world in the end. Not to mention that it was him who brought her back on top of that.  
_________________________________ 

Later that same day Sam found himself in Jack's room with Mary and Bobby to either side of him, staring down at the unconscious kid. He had only seen Dean in passing who continuously paced between Jack's room and the library. Always reading something that might help get Cas back, always checking on Jack. Sam knew he'd break sooner or later and he hated it but Dean didn't even want to be in the same room as him at the moment. 

He hoped by taking up a shift watching over Jack and seeing if Bobby knew anything about magically induced comas he could reduce some of the weight resting on his brother's shoulders. Even if it was Dean himself who was putting the weight there. 

Either way, so far their conversation hadn't generated any new information. Even if Bobby had some ideas about Jack's current state, that didn't mean they had any ideas on how to wake him. Him being God only further complicated the situation. 

At first, Mary had wearily kept her distance but within minutes she got over her shock and was now sitting on the edge of Jack's bed. 

Bobby still had pure disbelief in his eyes and kept glancing between Sam and Jack. "I know you said he defeated Chuck for you but he looks so young, are you sure that he can be considered a God?" He asked for what must be the dozens time. 

Sighing patiently Sam repeated, "we told you, he wasn't born as a God, but he absorbed the power. It should be him now." 

"And you knew he'd survive the ordeal because he's Satans kid. Right," Bobby echoed. "How old is he again?" 

Sam scratched his neck and tried to find an answer that didn't sound entirely insane. Mary offered him a small knowing smile. 

Sam gave up, "Technically he is only, like, three," he conceded. The withering look that earned him from Bobby could have easily restarted the Apocalypse. 

"Three? Who the hell was raising him? And why does he look like you did when you left for Standford? You know, babyfaced but old enough to buy booze," he elaborated. 

Sam ignored the snide comment in favor of running a hand through his hair in exasperation. Every time he thought about the circumstances leading up to their situation he felt like admitting himself to a mental hospital and this instance was no different. 

He settled on answering the easier question first after getting a confirming nod from Mary. "Castiel was raising him," he said. 

Bobby nodded, "didn't remember him as the socially gifted kind but I guess he knew what he was doing with a half angelic child," he shrugged his approval. "Who will look after him when he wakes up? You know, in case Cas won't be-" he let the sentence hang in the air and a brief look of guilt crossed his face for bringing it up. Sam stifled a smile, Bobby had never been good at hiding his big heart. 

He hadn't been about to bring it up for his brother's sake but there was no point in denying the truth. He cleared his throat, "Cas wasn't raising him alone. It was him and Dean mostly," he admitted reluctantly. "Dean won't give up on the kid, and I stepped up before when Cas wasn't around," he added with a little more confidence. "We'll manage." 

Waiting for him to add anything else that would make this situation a little more reasonable, Bobby frowned, clearly deep in thought. Or shock. It was kind of hard to tell at this point and Sam had to admit the whole thing didn't sound too promising, especially the bit where he and Dean might end up raising God. A shudder ran down his spine as the silence stretched on. Mary patted him on the shoulder reassuringly but before she could say anything Bobby spoke up. 

"For fucks sake," he cursed so loudly Sam half expected Jack to wake up. "Does Dean not trust me anymore or does he really think I'm that stupid?" Now it was Sam and Mary's turn to look as startled and confused as Bobby had for the last few days as he caught up on the last few world endings. 

Bobby went on, with a sneer rivaling that of Crowley, "He was raising a child with the guy and still thinks he has anybody convinced he's straight?" 

Knowing he didn't stand a chance Sam attempted to undo the worst of the damage and was suddenly glad that Dean wasn't in the room. "He IS straight," he said lamely, if only out of obligation toward Dean. 

"No. No, he's not," said Mary calmly and pressed her lips together as if she were unhappy with her admission. 

Bobby scoffed, "thought so. Cut the crap Sam, if you believe that then you're more oblivious than your brother and that's damn near impossible," he said but the anger in his voice had deflated. 

Okay, so that hadn't worked out. "Fine. Maybe he isn't. But he simply isn't ready to talk, you have to trust me on this. Especially now with Cas gone, I don't know how much more he can take. We have to let him be." 

Sam was being serious and he knew they could tell. He didn't joke when it came to his brother's well-being. He felt their eyes on him as he began pacing the room. "We have to get Castiel back. That's the only thing that will help him. Otherwise, I don't know how much longer he can cope until he does something seriously stupid." 

In a gentle attempt to stop him, Bobby reached for Sam's arm as he paced by again, "If he hasn't talked by now, he'll never be ready. It can't hurt to sit him down and talk some sense into him. We're his family." 

He knew Bobby meant well but Sam shook him off with a sad smile. "That'll make it worse. Let him cling to whatever hope he still has for as long as he can. Then we think of something else." 

________________________________ 

Charlie and Stevie were the next to arrive, shortly followed by Rufus. Much to their surprise Garth and his family also reached out to them. They got calls from Ellen and Jo who were now on their way as well as Jody, Clair, Kaja, Alex, and Donna. All of them told the same story of waking up looking the way they had when they died and with the bunkers address burned into their minds. 

They would all check on their neighborhoods and a few places on the way and assemble at the bunker over the following weeks. It was starting to nag on Sam's mind that he didn't know what they'd tell all of the other hunters, all they had were more questions. 

It didn't help that Bobby had driven out to collect a few people and check on some old hunter meeting points. He was one of the few people who were well respected by the older generation of hunters and it would have been helpful to have him around. At least he was set to return by the end of the week.   
______________________________

John Winchester stood in the middle of the library as if he owned the place. Peculiar about that were only the time and date in which it happened since he had always commanded whatever space he had occupied. When he was alive, which he shouldn't be at this date and time, and yet here he was. 

A portal had opened out of thin air, like a regular door in the middle of the room, it spat out John Winchester looking the way he had the day he died and closed again behind him. As if it meant to say 'I've had enough, you deal with him now,' which if you had met John Winchester wasn't even an unlikely version of the events leading up to this. At least it was exactly what Sam felt had happened. 

The day had started so good, with Eileen next to him and a bunker full of reunited friends and family. But nothing good in his life came without a price, a problem, some kind of hook. So here it was. Out of all the people they were still missing, it was John Winchester who had to return. 

Eileen next to him threw him a questioning glance and his mood fell even further. He really could have lived without Eileen knowing what an ass his dead beat father was. And he could only imagine how Dean would react when he saw that John was back but Castiel still wasn't. He just hoped Dean wouldn't revert to his old self that lived to be his father's soldier. His brother had come so far that Sam couldn't help but think that would be the ultimate punishment. 

Even worse, it meant the resurrections might be coming to an end. The first flood of hunters had been a random mix including Bobby and Kevin who had been dead for a while. It seemed like a random outburst of whatever magic was bringing them back before it knew how to control itself. 

But beginning with their mother, it suddenly seemed as if everyone after the first flood was reappearing in reverse order of their deaths. The ones who had been gone the longest appeared last. Before John it had been Ellen and Jo, walking through the same portal that John had come through only that they'd been together. 

Sam offered Eileen a reassuring smile and signed that he'd explain later, though she had clearly seen his worried expression. He got up from their cozy spot surrounded by books and slowly approached his father, heart almost beating out of his chest. 

It struck him that he didn't even know whether John had a gun on him or not, for all he knew his father would shoot the second he saw him. Stopping dead in his tracks he turned back to Eileen. 

"Would you mind telling Dean and that our father is back? He will want to know," he whispered to her and squeezed her hand for reassurance. "I'll handle this," he promised, more to himself than to her. 

Her eyes went wide for a split second but always one with the right priorities she didn't ask any questions and promptly took off with a hasty nod. She didn't need to know that Sam had also hoped to get her away from a potential threat by sending her off. 

From a distance, he studied his father for another second to gather his courage. The man hadn't aged a day, the same unforgiving brooding anger resided behind his eyes and Sam instantly felt like a College student without a place to call home again. Some wounds didn't heal with time. 

The door fell shut behind Eileen and John spun around, pinpointing where the noise had come from in a split second. Luckily no weapon in hand. Sam squared his shoulders and met his father in the middle of the room. 

"Hello," after a moment of hesitation he added, "Dad." John stared blankly back at him as if his words hadn't registered. Examining his youngest son more closely, recognition finally flashed in his eyes. 

"Sam?" His voice was so full of disbelieve, one could think Sam was the one who was back from the dead and not the other way around. The man looked so completely and utterly lost that he almost felt bad for him. 

Then John attacked him. It happened so suddenly that had it not been for years of training he would have been on the ground in a second. 

"Listen to me!" He gasped between blocking John's punches. "Let me prove it's really me!" John ignored him, punching on relentlessly. At least they didn't have any weapons and Sam had the advantage of his height. 

After getting over the first shock he quickly regained control and maneuvered his Dad in an unforgiving headlock. John cursed as he struggled on, "Why on earth would you bring me back?" 

"I didn't." 

"Don't lie to me, Sam" 

"I didn't" 

"If this was an in any way reasonable mission your brother would be here." 

"We didn't expect you back or he would be here." 

That finally made him pause. Sam carefully let go of him, breathing heavily. He gestured for John to wait and grabbed a box with hunting utensils from the table that they kept there just in case. His father understood and had at least the patience to stick to custom. 

"You didn't seem surprised to see me, Sam. What is going on here?" 

First, he cut himself with the silver knife, then he reached for his father's arm and cut him too. Only a little deeper than necessary. John glared at him but he didn't flinch. Thinking of the years' worth of issues he had left them with, first and foremost the brainwashing he had put Dean through, Sam couldn't bring himself to feel sorry. 

"You're not the first one who came back," he admitted reluctantly. "It's a very long story." 

Next came holy water and Clorox and if John was surprised about the latter one he didn't show it. 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He barked out. "Where is your brother?" Barely back among the living and the command in his voice was already back in place. 

"He'll be here any second. Just sit." Sam insisted tiredly. So of course John stayed exactly where he was, proud as ever. 

Before he could stop himself from falling into old patterns Sam began to stutter explanations under his Dad's indifferent stare. He hated it but he couldn't stay silent either. 

"We had another world-ending scenario at our hands just about a month ago. Dean and Cas and I took care of it though, with some help. But before we were able to fix anything things got worse and God wanted to punish us, the old God not the new, and he kinda killed every single person on the planet other than Dean and me as punishment but we were able to reverse it." 

"Only that ever since the reverse thing people who were dead way before the apocalypse have started to come back too. From what we're able to tell it's only people who died within the last 25 years or so who were close to Dean and I. We checked, none of the other resurrected that don't know us died sooner than the day of the Apocalypse. I swear. It's mostly hunters too. The only guess we have right now is that we're supposed to build an army of some sort and-" 

John shushed him, he had kept up with the better part of his sons rambling but now he had had enough. Instantly falling silent Sam cursed himself for his behavior, his father in turn was looking at him as if he had lost his mind. Great. 

"How did any of this happen? Only you could find a way to piss off some old entity so bad that all of humanity has to pay for it," he sneered at Sam. "I'll decide later if I believe it was God. If I believe any of this," he shook his head in denial, cold eyes fixed on Sam. "You shouldn't even be here right now," John stood up straighter, glaring at his son as if he were asking him to justify his existence. 

Feeling his heart sink in his chest, Sam was forced to remember how his father had died. What his last will had been. Of course, he'd find a way to blame Sam for everything that had gone wrong since his death. Hesitantly he met the eyes of the man who wanted him dead. He hadn't been there back then when John had asked Dean to kill him. He almost hoped to hear it now so he could be done with the guy once and for all. 

Before he could fall back into justifying himself or let his swirling mind catch up, the library door burst open. Dean stormed in. He stopped mere steps away, unsure of what to do or say.   
_________________________________ 

For a second upon hearing what had happened Dean had allowed himself to be happy. His father was back. He had to be proud of him now. His mother was back too, they could be a family again. Even with all the people who had come back already he had never considered this option. 

Reality had caught up to him just as quickly and dread settled in his stomach. John would never be proud of him, he had accepted that a long time ago. He didn't need or want him in his life anymore. So of course it was the most John Winchester thing to show up now. 

After everything that had happened, he decided then and there that he'd never be his father's soldier again. He'd gladly welcome him back, but Cas' words still echoed way too clearly in his head for anything beyond that '-You are not your daddy's blunt little tool-' he heard it, over and over again. 

After taking a minute to steel himself he cautiously made his way to the library. His thoughts drifted to Sam, who was alone with their father. Their father, who was alive again. Whose last will it had been that he should kill Sam. 

When his thoughts caught up to him he broke out into a run. The circumstances surrounding the plea were kind of fuzzy in his head, it happened so long ago, he had done so much to suppress the memory. Thinking of it now felt just as shocking as hearing it for the first time. 

After racing down one corridor after the next he finally burst open the library door. He hadn't heard any shouting but somehow the silence was worse. 

Taking in the scene in front of him he instantly noticed that both his father and brother looked slightly tattered from their almost-fight earlier. He pieced the clues together in lightning speed and took one look at Sams' miserable expression before promptly and firmly placing himself next to his brother, arms crossed. 

The defiant stare he offered his father would have scared anybody else who knew him into silence. But not him. 

"So you didn't see a reason to follow my orders," John assessed calmly, looking Dean up and down. 

Dean retorted just as coldly, "You said it was the last way out. I didn't let it come to that. Never would have. And by the way? Telling me to kill my own brother was a dickmove." 

Hearing Sam's startled chuckle behind him, Dean felt a little better. He glared right back at John, not wavering in the slightest. 

Glaring back for another few very charged seconds John finally gave in. And to Dean's surprise, he offered him a small smirk. "You've grown up, son. I'm glad you didn't do it," he admitted with a calculating look in Sam's direction. "Now what does a guy have to do to get a beer around here? I feel like I died and came back to life," he joked and stalked out of the library. 

The brothers exchanged a look and followed him swiftly. Sam hoped his brother saw the 'thank you,' he signed his way. 

So that was supposed to be it, Dean wondered, one standoff and now they were fine? He highly doubted it and based on Sam's expression he was also waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Complying for the moment they ushered him to the kitchen. Dean didn't ask why they had fought before he came in, but he knew he wouldn't leave his little brother alone in the same room with that man again if he could avoid it. 

With all the newly arising family problems he had almost forgotten that they weren't alone in the bunker and had to play off how startled he was to find Jody in the kitchen. 

She smiled at him warmly, but the corners of her mouth tugged down for a second in confusion when she saw John. Right, she didn't know him. Most of their friends didn't. Dean sighed. 

"Dad, meet Sheriff Jody Mills. She is a close friend of ours and also a hunter." Dean gestured between them vaguely, "Jody, meet our Dad." He stopped himself from adding something stupid like 'sorry in advance.' 

Getting over her surprise within the second Jody huffed good-naturedly, "you Winchesters really can't stay dead," she extended her hand for John to shake. He took it. The two adults seized each other up for a moment and despite her kind attitude, Jody had obviously picked up on the ice in the atmosphere. The warmth in her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. They both let go quickly. 

"What's that supposed to mean, 'can't stay dead'?" John demanded in his usual gruff voice. Nobody answered 

Trying to disrupt the awkward silence with a cough, Sam placed four beers on the kitchen table which he had recovered from the fridge while John and Jody had their stare-off. 

For a brief moment, all animosity died down as they each took a sip of their beer. Dean watched his Dad closely, and sure enough, John put down the bottle and frowned. 

"What is this shit? Don't you boys drink real beer anymore?" 

Sam just rolled his eyes while Dean found that his Dad's opinion didn't bother him anymore as much as it used to. "Yeah, sorry, if you had called ahead we would have stocked up on the last century brew you prefer," he answered sarcastically. 

His father and brother looked at him with equal amounts of surprise on their faces, only that John hid it quickly while Sam's just morphed into badly hidden awe. 

Taking a moment to reconsider he realized that he probably wouldn't have spoken to his father like that twenty years ago. He didn't care. Ever since Cas was gone he found it hard to care about anything at all other than getting him back and this was costing him time he'd rather use to research. 

Somewhere between finding out Angels were real and fighting God himself the guy had simply stopped being scary. He was just a man, and he was killing Dean's patience. Not that he possessed much of that lately. Or in general. He took another sip of his beer and his father seemed to have finally found the words to protest his son's attitude when the kitchen door swung open again. 

Through stepped Benny, covered in dried mud and all kinds of other dirt, some of which looked suspiciously like blood, and carrying a duffle bag. Judging by his appearance he had been on the road for days, probably walked a good portion of the way too. Despite the exhaustion on his face and his tattered exterior, he broke into a wide smile when he saw them. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything," he grumbled only half-jokingly. "Kevin let me in. Told me I'd find you here." 

Dean was up in an instant, sure every new person who wasn't Cas kind of hurt to see but at the same time, he'd be damned if he wasn't glad to see Benny again. He had actually called them a few days ago, insisting he'd be fine on his own but would stop by soon. 

Laughing triumphantly Dean embraced his friend, dirt and all. "You know damned well that you're not interrupting anything. Man, you look like you dug your way out of your grave by hand," Dean said excitedly and clapped him on the back. 

"Didn't think I'd see your annoying face again so soon brother. Not that I'm complaining," Benny replied as Dean let go of him. Letting one hand rest on Dean's shoulder for a second before pushing him away just as Sam joined them. 

Hesitating for a moment Sam considered how well they knew each other but he ended up also hugging Benny. The guy had helped them get Bobby back after all. The quick but firm hug earned him some startled laughter from Dean but Benny simply clapped him on the back and smiled. The whole scene made Dean strangely happy. 

Eventually, he exchanged firm handshakes with Jody and John who had fixed him with his analytical hunter stare ever since he entered the room. Eventually, Benny gave in, dropped his duffel, and pulled by a chair on which he promptly collapsed. Rubbing one hand over his face he said, "you won't believe the shit I've seen on my way here." 

"Man, I told you we could have picked you up," Dean interrupted him, instant worry bubbling up in his stomach but Benny just raised an eyebrow at him and scoffed. Technically he knew he was overreacting but practically he felt responsible for every single person that had been resurrected and since they were all reckless hunters that had started to wear him out fairly quickly. 

"Anyways, you wouldn't happen to have something to drink for me?" 

The question stopped his thought process, Dean could tell by how hesitantly he had asked that Benny must be thirsty, he seemed about to add something to the request when Jody stopped him. 

"Sure do, stocked up on it a few days ago, " she threw a pointed look at John, "since you did call ahead," she shrugged and headed for the fridge, pulling out three bags of donors blood in a+. The snide look she directed at John wasn't lost on Dean. Neither was the fact that this situation was about to derail catastrophically.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !Warning, this chapter could be read as pretty violent!

John sat with his back to the fridge so he hadn't seen it yet. As Jody went to fill the contents of the first bag in a large glass John looked Benny up and down once more. 

"What's with all the fuss? Just give the guy a beer," he scoffed. 

Dean and Sam both tensed and Benny threw them an odd look. When he had first called a few days ago, they agreed to inform all the hunters in the house of who, or rather what, Benny was. The idea was to prevent misunderstandings and since most of them already knew Garth it hadn't been too hard to convince them that a vamp could change sides too. Or at least they trusted that messing with anybody under the Winchester brother's protection was stupid if you wanted to live. 

"Thanks for getting this, I really do appreciate it," he said hungrily. Then he turned to John with an uncaring grin, "I don't drink beer." 

Eyebrows knit together in confusion, John glared back, "What kind of hunter doesn't drink beer?" The mockery in his voice died when Jody sat down the glass in front of Benny. 

"The kind that prefers blood," deadpanned Benny, before promptly beginning to gulp down the entire glass as quickly as he could. Dean assumed they had about twenty seconds. 

"How hungry were you, man?" Sam asked in morbid fascination. 

Ten seconds, Dean thought. He knew his brother knew it too. 

Benny just shrugged as Jody handed him the next bag. 

Three seconds. He and Sam got up at the same time that John did, each holding one of his arms in place as he attempted to storm toward Benny. They stopped his momentum a bare step away from their friend who seized them and their struggling father up with a calm expression. 

"You forgot to tell him," he sighed and tilted his head before drinking some more of the blood. 

Meanwhile, John was screaming bloody murder over their heads in an attempt to get to Benny.   
_________________________________

About fifteen minutes and a lot of colorful language from John's side later, the four of them had managed to drag him into the dungeon. They weren't happy about it but they agreed that they would have to force him to listen. It went unspoken that it would be best if they got him caught up and acting like a semi-reasonable human before Mom and Bobby got back from their mission. 

Internally Dean felt more beat down than he had in days. The entire time he was itching to get back to his research, none of this brought him any closer to Cas. At the same time, he had to at least try and spare his mother the pain of seeing the man John had turned into after she died. 

So now they found themselves in the Dungeon, standing across from their father who was tied to a chair in the middle of a devil's trap. The same old metal table and set of chairs facing John that had seen nearly every interrogation in the bunker since the Winchesters moved in. Benny and Jody stood to the side, unsure of whether they should leave or not. 

Dean hesitated before he addressed them, "Would you guys mind calling Bobby and telling him what's up?" 

Sending them away left him with a sinking feeling in his stomach but it was for the better. 

John snapped to attention at the familiar name. "Singer?" He asked in disbelief and grimaced. The others ignored him. 

In a way, it felt overdue for them to sit down and rewind everything that had happened in their crazy lifes but for that to be prompted by their long-dead father of all people was just uncalled for. Not to mention that he had caused a fair share of their problems too. 

Nodding his agreement Sam hastily added, "and tell Eileen it'll be a while till we come back up." The 'I don't want her to worry' was clear in his voice even if he refused to say it. 

"Sure," Benny agreed and it seemed as if he were about to turn away when he paused. "By the way, where is your Angel?" 

His heart dropped. Why could nobody leave him alone these days? He shook his head and was just about to protest the question when Benny stopped him with a dismissive gesture. 

"I remember how you two acted in purgatory. I'm not blind Dean. I figured you'd have gotten together by now. Or back together, or whatever you guy's deal was." He spoke casually, but Dean knew him well enough to detect the genuine interest in his voice. 

"Okay, first of all not my angel," Dean corrected. Jody behind him scoffed and Sam raised an eyebrow at him but neither said anything. 

Choosing to ignore them, he cast a wary glance at his father. Still, he couldn't help but force a reply for the simple reason that with how long Benny had been dead he shouldn't even know that Cas was out of Purgatory. "How do you even know...?" He trailed off as he caught himself and considered how much of this John should hear. 

Benny caught on nonetheless. "No Angels in Purgatory since I last returned there," he offered half a shrug, and Dean understood. There weren't exactly any football games to watch in Purgatory, of course, he would have wondered where the hell Cas had gone to. 

"Can't die there," he continued unfazed, "I figured there was only one thing that could have happened. With how hell-bent you were on the two of you leaving together last time we were all stranded there, I wasn't even surprised." There was something like fond exasperation in his smirk when he added, "if anybody could make that happen it would be you. I just hope it didn't cost you too much brother." 

"Nothing is too much to get Cas back," he replied in an instant and saw his mistake in the very next second. He felt his ears redden as Sam just tilted his head in his direction as if he were waiting for further admissions. 

At the same time, Benny and Jody shared a look before they both jumped at the opportunity Dean had presented them with. "Not your Angel," they mocked as one. Dean rolled his eyes at them but before he could reply something else, they finally turned to leave. He heard Benny mumble "sure," under his breath but in the next second, the two were out of the door. 

_________________________________ 

Once they were alone with their father, Dean got a strange flashback of what his life looked like fifteen or so odd years ago, not counting hell-time. Seeing his brother's dismayed scowl directed at the man in front of them, he was struck with the sensation that some things never change. 

He shook out of it quickly. Things did change, they were living proof for that. Allowing himself a moment to consider how grown up his little brother looked, he could note with satisfaction that there was no way that John had had more of an impact on Sam than he had. Sam was a better man on his worst days than John on his best and Dean wasn't about to take credit for that but he liked to think that he helped. 

"Are you going to stare at me all day or what?" John barked at them. The man really found the nerve to try and give orders as if he weren't bound to a chair, in the cellar of a secret organization's bunker, currently inhabited exclusively by people who had died before. 

"Okay, first of all, you're not giving any orders while under this roof. Capiche?" Dean snapped back as he came out of that weird melancholy daze that had possessed him. 

Arms crossed over his chest, Sam decidedly placed himself right next to Dean as if he were trying to silently back him up. 

In a tired attempt to deescalate the situation, Sam said, "Look, Dad, you're not the first person we know who got back after being a goner for a while, so we know this is probably difficult for you-" 

"That doesn't mean we're endlessly patient," Dean cut him off, and if that bothered Sam he kept quiet about it. "We just dealt with the latest Apocalypse, excuse us for not being too eager to deal with whatever this is," his voice was laced with equal amounts of sarcasm and venom. 

For all his tough-guy bravado, John still managed to look annoyingly arrogant. He leaned back in his chair as if he were sitting there out of his free choice and had his eyes trained on Dean expectantly. 

That action alone was enough to send the better part of his confidence to hell. There was hardly anything he hated more than feeling scrutinized and judged. Ironically it was the opposite for Sam, who'd rather be judged than ignored like he was at the moment. Their father knew this. He was playing them both but unlike so many other times before, Dean would not cave. 

John did give in eventually, even though he played it off well. "Apocalypse, huh?" He asked. "And somehow you still found the time to catch yourself a girlfriend," he scoffed. 

Something told him that this time his father had not actually meant to irritate him, but the comment still stuck. The confusion must have shown on his face, or maybe on Sam's since he had always had the worse pokerface. Either way, John studied them carefully before he elaborated. 

"Angel?" John questioned helpfully, though his tone betrayed the usual amount of mockery and disapproval. Dean hardly registered his face turning bright red with all the other panicked thoughts crowding the forefront of his mind. So much about his pokerface. 

"Screw my life," he mumbled under his breath before he could think better of it. He knew without looking that Sam behind him was trying his hardest not to burst into laughter. Silently vowing to kill Benny later, he not so subtly elbowed Sam in the ribs. 

Sadly that just persuaded his brother to answer for him. Screw. His. Life. 

"No, Dad, that's not what this is at all. Cas is a guy and also an actual Angel of the Lord. He's a close friend of ours, what Benny meant earlier is simply that-" 

He wasn't sure whether John's face was uncomprehending or simply unbelieving, either way, his father blankly stared back at them and still managed to look disgruntled. 

"I wasn't talking to you, Sam. Dean, speak for yourself." Something about his demeanor had changed between hearing that Cas was an Angel and the mention of Benny. The calculation in his attitude was familiar to Dean and yet it felt off. 

He had to say something, but how do you summarize half a life of living, fighting, and dying for and with each other in a sentence? And that was only what he'd have to explain ignoring his real feelings. "Castiel is an Angel. And a friend," he ended up saying. All other words got stuck in his throat as it finally clicked into place that the way John looked at them was the way he looked at monsters he was hunting. 

The word 'friend' etched itself into his conscience like acid, that's how blatant that underestimation was. The pain must have been evident in his voice because his father's expression turned impossibly colder. Sam put a steadying hand on his shoulder, normally Dean would flinch away but this time he allowed himself to appreciate it. 

Stubbornly Sam added, "He's family." That was when John lost it and in retrospect, Dean should have seen it coming. Still, he was glad that Sam was the one to make that call and confirm that Cas was family. Not only because it was true and John needed to hear it. Or because Dean was already on thin ice in terms of showing affection. But because the confirmation that Sam wanted him back too, that he wasn't acting entirely selfish and irrational, was a welcome remedy to all of his guilt. 

"You can't go around calling some random fucking creature 'family,' or making friends with fucking vamps-" His voice rose with every word and Dean felt his mind dwindling as he lost his grip on reality, encompassed by his fathers hate. 

"I don't care if it says it's an Angel, if it's not human you kill it. I never expected you to be this weak Dean. I don't recognize the son I raised. Sam was lost from the beginning but you-" 

"I did what I could, Sam did nothing wrong," he protested weakly but John ignored him. 

"As if that wasn't fucking bad enough, you just let that blood-sucking bastard call you a fucking fag and you didn't even react.-" John was now full-on screaming at him, loudly enough that it echoed off the walls of the small room. 

"I didn't fucking raise a faggot or so help me, Dean, if you don't explain yourself right this second I will kill you myself." He felt his father's fists from a time long gone, lecturing him with violence, teaching him right from wrong. He wasn't sure if they were phantom pains or ghosts of his past but each one of them struck harder than the one before. 

"If there is anything true about what that vamp said, you are no better than the things we hunt. You're worse because it would have been so easy for you not to get corrupted. It was Sam, wasn't it? You always were too soft with him, even when you found out what kind of a freak he was. You should have killed him, Dean. If you had just listened to my order none of this would have happened and I wouldn't be here, hearing rumors about my son bending over for a -" 

Listening to the tirade that was going straight to his core, he watched, feeling as if he were bound in place by invisible rope as Sam raised his fist. It wasn't more than a flash of movement but Dean saw it happen in excruciating clarity. The disbelieving anger in John's eyes as he understood what was about to happen, the unchecked fury in Sam's clenched jaw, it all became background noise. Sam punched their father hard enough that there was an ugly cracking of bone and he wasn't sure if it was his father's jaw or Sam's hand.

He wanted to feel satisfied, or angry or sad or anything but instead, numbness had overtaken him. Remaining impassive he stood as a silent witness as Sam kept on beating their father and the sounds of violence filled the room. Each punch came with a statement but he didn't register those either. 

"-Cas saved our lifes. So did Benny" Punch to the nose, blood streaming down his face. 

"You don't know the last thing about right or wrong. Dean saved us all the way." Black eye. 

"So did our friends. So did I." Elbow to cheekbone. 

Sam paused, chest heaving with heavy breaths. He got closer and leaned over the table. Grabbing John by the collar he forced him to meet his eye. 

"You have no right to speak to Dean like that. You almost ruined him when you last were around but he is stronger than that." Every word was laced with conviction and the trust in his voice ended the weird out of body experience Dean was caught in. He snapped back into reality. 

"He is better than you," Sam practically spat, his voice now ringing clearly in Dean's head, more tangible than anything John had said. "And if you have another thing to say about him, or Castiel, I will kill you." He was about to punch him again but this time Dean held him back, tugging at Sam's arm, signaling it was enough. The anger in his eyes evaporated and he finally released their father. Taking a few tentative steps back, he examined the damage he had caused. 

Something was seriously wrong with Dean and he didn't think it had anything to do with seeing his father get the crap punched out of him. He felt Sam look at him but couldn't meet his eye, chest constricting more with every second. 

Whatever Sam had seen caused him to add, "You know Dad, times have changed. I'll gladly repeat this little spiel if you have something else to say about gay people, just a heads up." 

Dean knew the last comment was for his benefit and he could breathe a little easier. It felt weird not to have stepped in, to see his brother's hands bleed when he himself was fine. He'd never done that before. 

John spat blood, looking just like he did when he got back from an especially bad hunt. Thinking about it, Dean noted that he and Sam never looked that bad after a hunt and he wondered if his father took the violent route on purpose with everything he did or if he'd simply forgotten that there was another one. 

At least John remained silent though his bloodied face clearly read 'way to make me believe you're not just a monster'. Dean contently ignored it, he knew now how he could get the man to listen. 

"Mum is back to," he said with cold satisfaction as he saw sinister eyes widen with a spark of life they hadn't possessed in years. Sam behind him shifted uneasily and Dean couldn't blame him, he would have preferred to keep her out of this too but they had to bait him somehow. 

"You'll see her after you listened to our story. Maybe. If she wants to. Because you should know that she's with us. She met Castiel, she knows about Benny, she will accept your bullshit as little as we do." He knew she'd want to see him again as much as that stung, but it couldn't hurt to keep him in suspense. 

"She would never-" 

"It seems we know her better than you do," Sam said calmly. 

They pulled the two chairs by and took a seat across from John, the same way they would if they were fake FBI questioning a suspect. Sam flexed his hand and wiped the blood off on his jeans. 

The steely resolution in John's eyes didn't escape Dean, but he wasn't sure what it meant yet. He took a deep breath and began their story with the day after John died, he figured if he heard the events in the right order, maybe, just maybe, he would understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading! Please please please leave a comment if you did!
> 
> (I know this chapter is comparatively short but I thought a short chapter is better than none at all, I might stick to this length from now on tbh)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi and thank you for reading, kudos and comments are highly appreciated, please let me know your thoughts in the comments!
> 
> (I should probably mention that English isn't my first language so I'd appreciate it if you have some mercy on my spelling)
> 
> After that clusterfuck of a finale, I finally got around to writing my ideal ending and I hope some of you enjoy it too. Personally, I'm still deeply in denial and this is my escapism. 
> 
> (I'll update as often as I can but I can't guarantee a set schedule atm)


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